## [Ragtime]
What's that step you're doing, Radar?
You'll have to ask Nurse Kellye. She's leading.
[Sighs] Another thrilling night of festivity in South Korea.
Hawkeye, if you had your choice, where would you like to be tonight?
- In the whole world, Father? - Uh-huh.
Back in my tent shaving my corns.
- Why don't you go do it? - I'm saving it for the holidays.
Bartender!
A man comes off a dusty cattle drive, can't even get a drink.
Coming, sir. Just keep moving. I'll catch up.
You're new around here, ain't you, fella?
You better smile when you say that.
Come on.
Come on!
- Say, ain't you the new schoolmarm? - Yes, sir.
- You wanna fight? - I would, sir, but I have such delicate features.
Ah, this mad, gay nightlife.
I think I'll get into my plaid knickers...
wind up the '32 Packard...
run up to Newport for croquet with the Vanderbilts.
Writing home again? That's your third letter this week.
Only way I can keep my sanity.
If you want sanity, you can have mine. God knows, I'm not using it.
- Radar, you do the Peabody? - Not while I'm dancing, sir.
Farewell, you mad fools!
I'll be in my tent having a martini with a lizard.
[Thinking] You can really go out of your skull here, Peg.
There's just nothing to do when you're not working.
I remember reading Justice Holmes. He said...
"War is an organized bore."
Which brings me to Major Frank Burns, not one of our best doctors.
Hawkeye says he became a surgeon after he washed out at embalmers'school.
This morning he was operating on a kid named Davis...
and I was the anesthesiologist.
Sometimes you have to double in gas here.
More suction, nurse. Stop daydreaming!
You're there to assist the doctor, Lieutenant.
Give her a doctor, she'll assist him.
Frank, pulse is weakening, blood pressure dropping.
I'm doing everything I can.
This soldier's a mess. Gee williewockers!
- Sewer mouth. - Why must you ride him?
I'll stop soon. I only paid for an hour.
- No pulse. - Well, then that's that.
- What do you mean? Do something! - He didn't have a chance anyway.
- You can't just give up! - Have you no respect for the dead?
Cover the belly, Kellye. Bag him, Frank!
- You're not supposed to tell me what to do. - Bag.
- Try open heart massage. - We can do it closed. I saw it done in the States. Bag!
- Good. Rather not open his chest. - Bag him once every five beats.
- You're going over my head! - Everything's over your head, Frank.
- Bag! - Nothing. Hah!
- Come on, you! Come on! Come on! Come on! - Enjoying your dramatics?
Bag!
Hey! I'm getting a pulse.
Good.
Better. It's going. [Chuckles]
- Another unit of whole blood. - Getting stronger.
- Good work, Doctor. - Thank you.
I'm not gonna forget this, Hunnicutt.
- He did save the patient, Major. - It was the way he did it!
[Thinking] 5:00 in the morning, Peg.
I was worried about Davis, so I'm keeping tabs on him.
He's still pretty much up for grabs.
- Mornin', Doc. - Klinger.
- How's he doin'? - Hanging in.
Know anything about dreams, Doc?
I only know I wish I were having one right now.
I had one last night.
I was holding this paper that said, "Klinger is hereby declared nuts.
Signed, Colonel Potter."
I was saying good-bye to everybody.!
I even clipped the hair off my chest for Major Houlihan to keep in her watch.
She kissed me right on the mouth.
Next thing I know, I'm in San Francisco. Sprung! Free!
There's this big parade. Four bands.
People carrying a banner that says, "Klinger's Nuts!"
Shh.
Then I'm in Toledo... with my loved ones.
And I own a delicatessen. Eight tables! Individual relish jars.
You'll never guess who the waitress is.
Major Houlihan. And she's still got my hair in her watch...
pinned on a see-through blouse.
What does that mean, Doc?
Well, it just might mean...
- that you wanna go home... - I knew it!
- With Major Houlihan. - Yech!
- Morning, B. J., Klinger. - [Together] Father.
- The same? - Uh-huh.
Oh, this dreadful war.
The waste! The waste.
- You gonna stick around a few minutes? - Yeah.
I'm gonna grab some breakfast. I won a real egg in a poker game last night.
Lucky devil. Uh, just a figure of speech.
No change.
You seem jumpy. Would you like a little phenobarb?
- Maybe 16 milligrams? - I'd prefer a few milligrams of prayer.
- The guys giving you static? - The static is coming from higher up.
- The Lord teed off at you? - Oh, God forbid.
No. Actually, the difficulty lies...
between the Lord and the troops.
Colonel Maurice Hollister, Divisional Chaplain.
- I don't know him. - They call him Attila the Hun of chaplains.
He's coming this afternoon to inspect me and the operations of my flock.
Don't sweat it. Hawkeye says you're the best chaplain in the business.
- Did he really say that about me? - Mm-hmm.
Ah. That crazy agnostic.
- Do you need me, B. J.? - Not till Sunday.
If you do, I'll be ironing my cassock.
I'd better iron my underwear too.
Hollister's very thorough.
- Oh, the noise! The people. - What happened?
- Klinger ate a fresh egg. - I just wrote that to Peggy.
I wouldn't try. It loses so much in translation.
He had it poached...
on a piece of toast freshly baked in 1945.
For a second, it brought back the atmosphere of gracious dining...
at Nedick's in Grand Central Station.
I'm starved. You got any of that cake your wife sent you?
Yeah, sure.
Elizabeth Taylor married somebody whose name begins with N-I.
- N- I? - Nixon! Elizabeth Taylor married our vice president!
- Nicky Hilton. - Nicky Hilton's our vice president now?
Here you go.
They also serve who stay at home and bake cakes for us to drink.
It's Peg's first overseas package.
Would you believe that's Annie Get Your Gun?
I had no idea Ethel Merman was so tall.
Chocolate Jockey shorts?
[Laughing] The Hershey bars melted on them.
[Radar On P.A.] Attention all personnel. At 1330 hours...
- we'll be holding the finals of the cockroach race time trials. - You going?
Nah. People who go to those things only want to see a cockroach crash.
[Thinking] Hawkeye just came in. He loved your cake.
He's really one of a kind, our Hawkeye.
"Finest kind,"as he says. Without him, I think we'd all go nuts.
This morning he read in Life magazine where students at Cal Tech...
squeezed 15 people into a Volkswagen.
Hawkeye thought we could beat the record.
- [Excited Chattering] - Nobody breathe for the next ten minutes!
Let's have no groping, please.
All gropers will report to my tent, and right after that, the "gropees."
Come on. Get inside. We're trying to make a record.
- Gage, you're next. Climb in. - I don't want to. I'm shy.
Shy, shmy! Come on! For the glory of the 4077.
- The cover of Life magazine. - All those bodies.
- Come on. Here comes Lieutenant Gage. - [All Cheering]
All right, you guys. Lie at attention!
This is completely against military regulations!
- Wholly unauthorized! - You've got some of my nurses in there.
I'll rinse 'em off before I return them.
Squeeze in, Major. We got plenty of room.
- This is completely beneath me. - I was hoping for that spot myself.
We'll see what Colonel Potter has to say about this!
- How many we got here? Count off. - [All Together] One!
- [Laughing] - Fine. All we need is 15 more.
- Wait! Wait! I have to take a picture! - [Horn Honking]
How 'bout V.D. Films, Radar? Is the one we've got adequate?
I don't know, sir. Every time it's shown, I faint.
Must be okay then.
Why don't we order Trench Foot Through the Ages...
and The Bleeding Gum Story?
- That'll make a good double feature. - Yes, sir. I'll order those.
- Let's see. There's one other... - [Knocking At Door]
Come.
Caught this Korean woman trying to take one of the jeeps, sir.
I'll handle it, Sergeant.
Sit down, madam.
- I guess I'll order... - Why don't you order those films, Radar?
- What's the big idea, Klinger? - How'd you know?
Korean women are not noted for hairy knuckles.
I can't take it anymore. I can't! I'll do anything to prove I'm not fit.
I'll... I'll wet my bed. I'll wet your bed! I'll wet the whole camp!
Now, son. None of us wants to be here.
I don't wanna be here. Radar doesn't want to be here.
The doctors, the nurses. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here.
But we've got to do our best.
- Understand, son? - I'm trying.
Then get your butt in high gear and get back to work!
- That your last offer? - You got it! Out!
Yes, sir.
- Colonel, can I see you? - Do I have a choice?
It's about Captain Pierce.
- He sew up your fly again? - No, sir.
- He spit at you? - He's stuffing a bunch of personnel into a jeep.
Something about setting a world's record.
[Chuckles] He's a pistol.
Can't you see Pierce is just trying to boost morale?
My morale is fine. I love it here.
Either you or Klinger is nuts.
Now I've got to figure out which one.
Come on, Major. Just one more and we'll have a record!
- Yeah! Come on! - Come on. Life magazine.
Yeah!
- Will you photograph my best side? - Absolutely.
I'm gonna set the timer.
Now, get ready. Okay. Get back! Get back!
- Say "cheese." - [All] Cheese!
- [Camera Clicks] - [Cheering]
Hollister, Maurice, Colonel. Division Chaplain.
Pierce, Captain. Band vocalist.
That's quite a crowd you've got in there.
World's record. [Chuckling]
- Colonel Hollister. - Ah, yes. Major Hooligan.
- Houlihan. - # Harrigan, that's me #
- You okay, Gates? - Ah. Can I get a hernia?
Of course. But rent one first. See if you really like it.
Get the circulation going. And remember, you're champions.
- Each and every one of you. - Captain? This activity, the morality...
Did Father Mulcahy approve of all this?
Why don't you ask him yourself, Reverend?
Colonel Hollister.
Father Mulcahy.
Lord, have mercy.
[All] #Amazing grace #
# How sweet the sound #
#That saved a wretch #
- # Like me # - [Planes Roaring]
# I once was lost #
# But now am found #
#Was blind but now #
- #I see ## - Lovely.
# Lovely #
[Clears Throat]
I have a few announcements before the benediction.
For the upcoming Passover celebration...
for those of the Jewish faith...
Private Weintraub will attempt to bake some unleavened bread on a rock...
much in the same way as Private Moses...
much in the same way that Moses did.
Would you all stand for the benediction, please?
And now, may the Lord bless us all and keep us.
- Amen. - [All] Amen.
Father Mulcahy, that has to be one of the finest services I've ever attended.
Thank you, sir.
Excellent service, Chaplain. Excellent. I really enjoyed it.
Sensational, Father! You're ready to play the Vatican.
- Oh, my. - Aces, Father.
That was really neat. Especially that scary part about going to hell.
Colonel, you're presence today was a first-rate inspiration.
I get chills in the presence of a real spiritual leader.
Thank you, Majors. I, uh, gather you're regular churchgoers.
- Oh, yes! It's a great place to kill an hour. - Oh, yes!
We better scoot along. There's no Sabbath for the second in command.
Nor for the head nurse.
God appreciates your responsibilities.
He's a good person. Major.
Well, sir, it seemed to go rather smoothly. Didn't it?
So does wallpaper paste, Father.
You never once had them in the palm of your hand.
You've got to grab these people.
You're God's messenger in this camp.
Sir, I deliver...
Many a business has gone bankrupt...
with the motto, "We Deliver."
You've got to take these people by the hand, Father.
You just got to reach out and take them by the hand...
each and every one.
From the lowliest private here right up there to Captain Harry S. Truman.
You've got to guide them.
You've got to lead them! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! You've got to be the one!
You've got to be the drum major...
that leads this band...
right into the valley of blessedness!
You have to use that voice of yours, Father...
as a cry into the wilderness.
Follow me! You, see. Follow me!
Lead the attack, Father, with a Bible in one hand...
and a sword in the other!
Hallelujah!
[Thinking] Did I write you about Colonel Potter...
wanting to train Koreans to work in the wards?
First step was to teach them English.
Do you have a fever?
[Together In Korean Accent] Do you have a fever?
I will get the doctor.
[Together] I will get the doctor.
Better dead than red.
[Together] Better dead than red.
- Ah! Now we're getting somewhere! - [Laughing]
Yeah. Get us out of the U.N.
[Together] Get us out of the U.N.
Don't contaminate our drinking water with fluoridation.
[Together] Don't contaminate our...
Mares eat oats and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy.
[Together] Mares eat oats and does eat oats...
You sure took your sweet time relieving me.
I've been here an hour. We made progress.
- I can tell. You've got a Korean accent. - Stink fishpot!
[Together] Stink fishpot.
[Laughing]
Okay, boys!
Notre Dame is six points behind.
We got a whole half a game to play, and we're gonna beat Army!
All right. I'm sorry. I will...
- I will... - [Together] I will...
- get... - get...
- the nurse. - The nurse.
I will get the nurse.
- I will get the nurse. - Good.
Frank Burns eats worms.
[Thinking] I've looked back on this letter and discovered...
it's been two pages since I told you how much I love you.
It's two pages later now, and I love you even more.
Colonel Hollister is running Father Mulcahy ragged.
I'm sure Hollister believes God is regular army. They just went into post-op.
Private Davis is our worst case at the moment, Colonel.
We're having a difficult time with him. Massive trauma, and he's slow coming back.
Poor fellow.
His father runs the last pony ride at Palisades Park in New Jersey.
After the service, he plans to go into ponies, God willing.
Davis, huh? Davis. Ah! "P." He's a Protestant.
A lot of your Davises are "J's," you know.
I had one here last year who was a "C."
There are exceptions, of course. Have you written the lad's parents?
If you'll excuse us, Colonel. I have to change his dressing.
Nice touch.
I'm not sure a letter's the best course just now.
Take my word for it. Write the young man's parents.
It's always been my policy to wait until the patients become stable.
Nonsense. That boy's going to pull through. What you've got to do...
you've got to marry that thought to an action.
You write a good, strong affirmative letter.
- Mention the donkeys. - The ponies.
It seems wrong to get their hopes up and then...
- God forbid! What if... - Lieutenant Mulcahy...
I want to see a first draft of the letter before 1800 hours.
It's now 1400 hours.
I've got to take my milk of magnesia and do three pushups.
I realize supply requisitions in this area are difficult to fill...
but the situation has been getting steadily worse.
We order rectal thermometers, we get spark plugs.
Both useful articles, but hardly interchangeable.
Get with it, Supply.
Sir, do you want one or two exclamation points after that?
- Make it three. - You really are mad.
Kindness don't feed the bulldog.
Now what?
Caught this man walking into the stream seven miles down the road.
I would've made it if they hadn't nailed me. Had it all figured!
Downstream to the Inchon River! Then out to the Sea of Japan.
- And then to the Golden Gate! - You'd have drowned.
No chance, sir.
There! Look at that!
[Excited Shouting]
Klinger! Klinger!
Good letter, Father. Positive, affirmative, hopeful.
I liked the way you worked the ponies in.
It wasn't difficult, sir. I just started a new paragraph.
I still think I should've waited until the boy is more stable.
Tommyrot! Forge ahead.
- [Engine Starting] - It's your straggler who misses the Lord's streetcar.
Vaya con Dios.
Father! Father Mulcahy! Have you seen Captain Pierce anywhere?
I believe he mentioned Nurse Shibetta.
He was gonna share a spicy salami with her. She's Italian, you know.
- One of the patients is in bad trouble. - Who?
- Private Davis. - I best see if I can help.
- Get Captain Pierce. - Yes, sir.
Gee, I hate to interrupt his salami.
- Temperature? - 103.
- I've seen higher. - Sure. Philadelphia in August.
Klinger, hurry up with that X ray!
- What about the latest urine specimen? - Bugs and blood.
- White count? - 19,000.
- Peritonitis. Someone must've missed a hole in the bowel. - I missed nothing!
None of us are perfect, Frank. Especially those of us who aren't perfect. Kellye!
- Give him 600,000 units of penicillin, stat! - [Shuddering] Ah-ha-ha!
- Sorry about the salami. Klinger! - Phew!
A minute, 27 seconds.
Take a discharge out of petty cash.
- There they are. - Shell fragments?
Frank, you just can't just look around! You gotta feel around!
- He does! - I mean, during surgery.
Fragments may not mean much, but in view of his symptoms, we've gotta go back in.
You can't! His pulse is weakening, and he has a fever.
We go in or it's the big train ride home in the mattress cover.
- Why did I do it? - [B.J.] What, Father?
Colonel Hollister made me write a letter to his parents.
"Everything's okay."
Let's go, folks. Frank.
- Is he gonna make it? - Probably.
It depends. We could get bombed, there could be an earthquake...
or Frank could operate on him again.
Twerp!
[Together] You tell 'em, ferret face.
[Laughing]
Aha! Heidelberg, 1910.
Zuckertort's attack.
[Thinking] Things are pretty quiet right now.
Private Davis pulled through, mercifully, and was shipped stateside.
Potter doubled the guards, so Klinger isn't giving him any trouble.
- What'd you do? - Vienna, 1906. The Lapinsky move.
- Where'd you learn that? - Mrs. Lapinsky.
Tall woman, hairy legs, always carried a bag of strudel.
- You don't know Mrs. Lapinsky. - Are you kidding?
I caught hairy legs from her.
Nice try, Klinger.
I would've made it if not for that dog!